SIGNS OF THE TIMES

  In a New York restaurant:  Customers who find our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager.

  In a Los Angeles dance hall:  Good clean dancing every night but
Sunday.

  In the offices of a loan company:  Ask about our plans for owning
your home.

  On military bases:  Restricted to unauthorized personnel

  On a bar:  Our customers enter optimistically and leave misty
optically.

  In an appliance store window:  Don't kill your wife.  Let our
washing machines do the dirty work.

  In a clothing store:  Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

  In the window of a general store:  Why go elsewhere and be cheated
when you can come right here?

  In a Maine restaurant:  Open 7 days a week and weekends

  On a radiator repair garage:  Best place to take a leak

  On a Tennessee highway:  Take notice, when this sign is under water,
 this road is impassable.

  In front of a New Hampshire car wash:  If you can't read this, it's
time to wash your car.

  In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

  In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front
desk.

  In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.

  In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.

  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

  In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:  Drop your trousers here for best
results.

  In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the
hotel porter.

  In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.

  In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven
city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

  Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride
on your own ass?

  On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
right.

  In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send
them in all directions.

  From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself.

  From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.